I have been sitting behind a desk, writing and re-writing blog posts today. I even asked the world wide web for some blog inspo and got some pretty entertaining comments - maybe I'll share some of them with you. But I have been struggling to really get focused. And then last night I watched an episode of Friends and this line came up: "you are not getting any younger".
Yes. I am sure you have heard that too. And it seems to be popping up in my conversations left, right and centre these days. The last few months have felt so strange. To be honest, a part of me feels like I have lost time. You know, I am not getting any younger. These are precious months that have resulted in isolation (to an extent - thankfully not completely).
It has been so good to spend time in different degrees of silence and solitude. Living alone and being restricted from going out has meant that I have really had oodles of time to be quiet and alone. There have been ugly moments and beautiful moments but it has really been healing for my heart and soul. And I truly believe that there is healing in God's presence. I wouldn't say my performance has been top notch in terms of spending time with God - but I will say that I am learning the beauty of simply being in His presence. Learning to live in relationship with God - like I would a person.
I have had days where I altogether avoided spending time with God, which led me to feel rather guilty and wonder why. Not sure if anyone else experiences this. But I began to realise that there are days like that with people too. Sometimes its because I know I am a lousy lier and my people would see straight through it - as does God. Sometimes its because I know, in that state, I am a tad repulsive (it ain't pretty) and it can be annoying and I tend to expect God to react the same way. I can put pen to paper easily but verbalising where I am at is not always easy for me.
I do often expect God will respond in a human way - and yet - he doesn't. I am learning that by simply being in his presence - as I am - he meets me right there. Regardless of the performance appraisal and the to do list and whats acceptable. He is right there. So while its tough for me to sometimes shift to the eternal perspective - it changes things when we do.
In world standards, I have lost time, I am not getting any younger. Yesterday a friend jokingly said: I could say something that would make Kelsey's ovaries cry" haha - which is true - in fact some days I am sure they do. And I can lose myself there if I am not careful. I can spiral into a pit - looking at what I don't have and the fear that I never will. I find myself where fear makes decisions for me. I have been there, it does not end well. Fear is not a good decision maker.
I keep feeling like the world needs vulnerability more than ever now. So let me give this a try. I am currently 30, turning 31 (yes I know, I hide it really well). I am single and when I even start to think about an attempt at meeting someone now - masks, no contact, no social interactions, wow - how do you even do it. You really will need to look into each others eyes to try and see the soul 😂😂😂. But the world is in a weird way. And going forward will look completely different. And while it is easy to think about the time that has been lost - it's so much more important to notice what has been gained.
It's easy to look down and go but I am not married and don't have kids - I am not good enough cause you know - He who finds a wife finds a good thing - hahaha. I don't qualify for a lot because I am single. Marriage is so high up and singleness is a very far off second. It's not the same. Part of writing for me is so natural - I write all the time - but the other part is so complex. How much do I share? Will anyone want to read this? Is this helpful? Who can relate to me? How can I relate to them - I don't have kids? And and and...
Sometimes it feels like there is a qualifying round and I am just not in it.
So what I have I gained? Insecurities haha - no, those were always there - they have just been highlighted during this time. I have gained a perspective of things that I struggle to trust God for. Because the world looks one way and my life the opposite. I have gained sweet moments with God that I would not want to change. And although there has had to be a burial of sorts - "beyond the burial there is a resurrection".
So here I am, still learning the art of surrender, still seeing my insecurities and doubts face to face and still learning that God is faithful and kind. Don't let the lie that your not getting any younger keep you from living each day to the fullest.
In the words of Jennesa Wait:" Jesus is worth everything that you're afraid of losing".
Much love
Xxx
Kels
